The Hard Way

Contentment is so underrated.
There is no measure of value that can be given to contentment.

You know that saying "You never know what you have until it's gone"?
I can attest to the truth in the phrase.

Tonight, my parents and I randomly went to get doughnuts with my grandpa at 9:00 pm. We watched the doughnuts come winding off of the assembly line. Fresh and crisp, they called to me with golden scents.
The "hot and fresh" sign blinked slowly in the window, flashing a soft red glow onto the pavement outside. Inside, a line of ten or twelve people all were waiting to get their hands on those fresh doughnuts.
We walking into the chaos with amusement, savoring the oddity of our chosen activity.
Finally, I bit into a plump chocolate covered doughnut with cream in the middle. The taste was indescribable. We talked and laughed and ate those doughnuts with relish.
I sat with my family at that table with an extra sense of appreciation.

Some people realize what they had when they loose it, and they live their entire lives sorrowful of their loss. Very few, like me, actually get a second chance to appreciate it.

I may not be smart enough to learn from other people's mistakes. In fact I'm one of those people that is just destined to learn everything the hard way.
However, one thing's for sure about learning things the hard way, it's impossible to forget things I've learned that way. They're painful and raw and continually reminding me about how much I have to be content about.

Maybe learning things the hard way isn't such a bad thing. After all, I am exceptionally hard-headed.

Sweet sweet relief

You know that moment when you are rushing out the door to go to class, which is an hour away, and you suddenly realize that there was a reading assignment due for one of your classes that you completely forgot about?
You know how there's an online summary you have to fill out about the reading assignment before class starts, and if you don't fill it out you'll get a big fat zero on your grade-book that you will then have to average out somehow to get that A that you covet?

You rush downstairs to fill that summary with hasty sentences so you'll at least get some credit instead of none. You open the summary box and right there, where the summary assignment should be is a message from your professor saying that he decided not to require the reading summary for that section. You're so relieved that you nearly fall over.

You know that feeling?
It's awesome, isn't it?

Pretty lies

The more I look for them, the more they stick out at me like a blood-stained flag. I heard a lot of them today.
"I miss you!"
"I'm thinking of you all the time."
"I'll be praying for you."

Such pretty things to say, aren't they? They slip off our tongues with ease, so simple to bend the truth for sentiment's sake. I wonder how many things in an average conversation are pretty lies.

I got to thinking about this phenomenon the other day because a friend of mine got married.
Now, this isn't just any friend. She and I were best friends for years when we were younger. We started secret clubs and built forts in the woods. We made pacts and could literally finish each other's thoughts. She was the sister I never had and we swore that we would be best friends forever.
That was a childish promise, but as an eight-year-old, I honestly believed those words. I could never imagine my life without her in it.
It broke my heart the first time I called her and couldn't figure out anything to talk about. We had nothing in common anymore and the silence was cold and unfamiliar.

When I was browsing around Facebook the other day I found picture's from her wedding. I felt like I broke something sacred when I found out that I missed her wedding. I remember as girls planning how we would get married. We agreed that we would be the maid-of-honor at each other's weddings. All of this was going through my head as I pondered the photo of that beautiful bride, that gorgeous girl who I used to know so well.

Now, there's no way I could have been at that wedding. She lives in Finland now, and I'm a poor unemployed college student in the US. However, that photo made me remember those good times we had together.

Although it wasn't clear to me then, my broken pact to be at my best friend's wedding was one of those incidents that I now see as just a pretty lie.

But maybe there's a place for pretty lies in life.
All I know, is that although the slow death of my best friendship was tragic, I wouldn't trade those memories for all the success, fame, or money in the world.

Source emitted to protect identity

Pecking Order

Although humans don't have beaks and tail-feathers, we do establish hierarchies. Every species has a method of doing this, dogs fight to be alpha, and cats fight over territory. Some species actually develop physical attributes which show all the others who's boss.
Humans, however, are the only species who establish status almost completely by psychological methods. In people, status is made up of three things.
1) How you perceive yourself
2) How others perceive you
And
3) Your perception of how others perceive you.

In the first example, we give ourselves a personal status. We view ourselves as better or worse than someone else sitting in the same room.
This self-inflicted pecking order is often seen by who dominates the conversation, and who makes the activity suggestions. This person is the circumstantial alpha.

Often times the status we have given ourselves is sensed by others in the room. This and other factors effects the second factor in social status, how others perceive you.
When feeling out the elements of a social gathering, we assign the people around us to a status either above or below our own. This status can change as the social situation develops, this is why human hierarchy is so difficult to gauge.
The status that we perceive in others determines who we sit next to, who we allow to go before us in line, whose opinion is given the most recognition etc. All of these factors are interacting simultaneously, the phycological undercurrent in a social situation is just as important as what is happening on the surface.

The third factor in determining status is how we believe others are perceiving us. If we feel well liked in a social circle, we are more likely to assign ourself to a higher social rung. In the same way, if we are uncertain of how we are being perceived we are likely going to feel inferior to the others around us.

All of this I say as an observation of a social gathering I found myself in the middle of today. A group of my peers and I met for a lunch, and I realized that I felt very equal to them. I felt very different, as I suppose a zebra would feel in a group of horses, but I still felt equal. It's so strange how the smallest of factors can make you perceive yourself as an equal one day, and an inferior the next one.

Sometimes Yelling Works

My method of confrontation is usually a calm conversation in which both parties state their concerns and mutually come up with a solution.

Except for the last confrontation I had.
Have you ever tried to reason with someone who takes control of the conversation and has a "my way or the highway" kind of mindset? Someone who talks like they are a great tower, and you are a small fly?

I had one such discussion recently. I kept getting interrupted, he trampled on my words like they were spiders.
Finally, I stepped out of character. I yelled at him, told him he needed to listen to what I was saying instead of dominating the conversation.

He blinked, then apologized. Our conversation became mutual instead of one-sided. We both relaxed, and suddenly, we were listening, and we both walked away feeling good.

I just bring this incident up because it was a surprise to me. I felt completely crazy yelling at him. Veins sticking out on either side of my neck, I probably looked pretty scary. My moral: never rule out the things that have never worked before. Because sometimes, surprises happen.

Dealing with Uncertainty

Today I found myself in a dump of self-doubt. And I say that I found myself there, because it was a sudden realization.
I've made a lot of mistakes in life, and one the sad consequences of this reality is that even the most stoic individual in the world isn't going to keep putting faith in something that has been letting him or her down. There are people who are doubting my ability to succeed.

Doubt is very contagious. Hence, today's slump on self confidence. Also add in the fact that there have been some instances involving risk. Risk + total lack of confidence = Cocktail of poison.

I had to do something to break the cycle! Like in many cases where I need advice, I consulted the all knowing.....Google. Lame? Maybe.
I found a specific thread where a young man was asking for advice about his girlfriend's lack of self-confidence, and although HE didn't seem willing to listen to any advice, I benefited greatly.

(Link: Advice URL)

Reading through the posts I felt my resolve strengthening. I came to the conclusion that I can't let anyone's doubt or confidence that i'll succeed effect whether or not I actually do. I compiled some of the replies that stuck out to me, and I printed them out. Maybe this isn't the most accredited method for dealing with self doubt, but for me, all I needed was some reminders of who I'm REALLY succeeding for. Not for them, it's for me...

Interview Jitters

I got a job interview!!!!!!
I've been working at the same vet clinic since I was sixteen. I adore my job, however, I'm transferring to a new school soon. UTK to be exact, they have a great record for getting their animal science majors into vet school, which is my ultimate goal. Anyway, although I've been working at the same clinic for years, I'm still just barely clearing minimum wage, not a very good fact for a vet tech, which is not an entry-level position.
I decided to put out my feelers. One of the reasons that I haven't gotten regular pay raises is because the clinic where I work is fairly small. Much to my delight, the morning after I went around town putting out resumes I got a call from a manager offering a job interview. I'm so excited! But I'm also very nervous. I've compiled a list of the all-time worst interview questions just for fun, and here they are:
1 (why do you want this position?)
Such an innocent question, but as a vet tech, I struggle with this question. Simply saying, "I love animals" is definitely not a good answer, but the problem is, that IS why I love vet tech work! I gravitate towards animals everywhere I go. I can't pass a dog without feeling joy, I can't pet a cat without smiling. Such a conundrum.
2 (what is something that you could improve on as an employee?)
The apocalyptic question! Basically, why are you too good to be true? What are your giant unavoidable flaws? Such a hard question! It's impossible to answer this question without sounding like a suck up or like a liar. "I work too efficiently." "I put work ahead of my social life" "I'm too effective/awesome/adaptable" I HATE this question!!!
3 (why should we consider you over the other applicants?)
"I don't know, because I want it more?" This question makes it difficult not to look like I'm begging. I want to impress this person, but I hate being directly ordered, "Impress me! Now!!" So annoying.

So really, what is the best way to approach interviews? The truth is, there is no blanket answer for all interviews on earth. Every employer is looking for different things and will be impressed by different things. The answer? I'll walk into that interview looking well-groomed and positive, and do the very best that I can.

Subliminal Messages and Conspiracies

First of all, my laptop croaked. It's a super old IBM thinkpad, and despite it's antiquated nature, it has serve me well without glitch or virus for six years. I'm pretty sad about it's passing, but fortunately I got the blogger app on my iPod touch, so it won't interrupt my rambles.

Secondly, I heard on the radio today a news piece about subliminal messages.
Evidentially a man in the US called the cops to report that al Qaeda had recorded subliminal messaging into the porno that he bought. He claimed that if he slowed the video down messages flashed across the screen like, "Support the brotherhood" and "Saddam Hussein is watching you". Now honestly, I find it more likely that our sexually deprived friend has been sniffing glue than believing that there is a great porn conspiracy.

However, the story reminded me of something that I noticed the other day.
At the last fifteen seconds or so of Evanescence's song "My Immortal" there is a weird persistent high beeping sound. It sounds just like Morris code!
Is Evanescence trying to fill our minds with messages of government conspiracies? Or is the drummer having a seizure?
Oh, the intrigue!!

Link: Photo source

Wall Post Friendships

You live in, let's say, Finland. I am either too busy or too lazy to write you a letter, snail mail is becoming illogical. I can't visit you, after all, I'm in college, I'm trying to pay for food and don't have enough left over for sentimental cross-continent trips.

However, I feel the need to show you that I'm thinking of you, no matter what my motives are for doing so. I know the solution! Facebook wall post!

What a sad era we are inhabiting. Of course the people who invented cars had such big dreams. "If we can get to town faster, we'll have more time to be at home with our families, just enjoying life." they reasoned. What they didn't anticipate is the concept that if you can get to town in twenty minutes, where it used to take two hours, you'll stop appreciating the time you've saved by about the second trip. If the car doesn't have gas, or if it breaks down, the individual no longer sees a two hour trip as a normal amount of time anymore. They just complain about all the inconveniences of the lost time. How quickly we forget. Soon, they're cramming three trips around town into the time that it used to take for one. No one has gained any more precious time, they've just come to expect a higher performance.

Of course, I can't scorn the busy lifestyle expectations into which society has evolved. I live one myself. But I still can pull out a letter from a childhood pen pall with a level of sentiment.

You know how a little old lady makes scornful remarks about the level of texting we do on our "newfangled" iPhone? We look at her, and say the kind equivalent of, "You stupid old woman, you are living in the past. Can't you see that technology is awesome, and you are basically not even slightly cool?"

My gentle sentimental mourning over that precious piece of snail mail the other day made me wonder, maybe one of the reasons that elderly people cling to those old-fashioned routines and devices of past is because there is something truly beautiful about them. Something that is being swept aside by the storm of today. Something wonderful, like opening the mailbox to find a hand-colored envelope covered in stickers, holding it in your hands, and feeling like just for a moment, the two of you are connected. Imagining that your fingertips are brushing against each other on either side of that envelope...

Of course there's room for things to go forward, they have to, just like time must go forward, and I'm still going to make my grandpa shake his head by how quickly I can "hit those little buttons" on my cell phone. But maybe it just means that tomorrow, when I feel like telling someone that I'm thinking of them, i'll pick up a pen and paper, just because we shouldn't let beautiful things die.

Ahh....Organization

I thrive in organization. There is nothing that relieves my stress like de-cluttering and putting everything where it should be. Sitting here on my bed, looking around my room at all of this awesome organization, it makes life so much brighter.

Maybe I'm the only person who can't concentrate on sleep, hunger, or leisure if I'm not sure where my keys are, but everyone has their quirks. And obsessive organization isn't the worst quirk in the world, it certainly serves me well in school and work. 

Link: Photo source

Although this isn't my room, my organizational standards are very similar, and my room looks similar as well.

Room organized, important papers found and categorized, and laundry done. Life is good, and resolutions are intact.